Life and Death

Once again a day on the edge of life and death.


My Dad was short of breath and very weak today so he basically had two choices: live/fight, or to get some oxygen at home and quickly slip away from this life. Yet again, he chose to live. They admitted him to the hospital this evening, at the same time officially switching back to Home Health Care. They plan on keeping him at the hospital for just a couple days, to get fluids, blood work, breathing treatments, oxygen, antibiotics and whatever else they can do for him. And just tonight, the surgeon said he could put in a feeding tube (G tube) tomorrow morning, which my Dad has been considering. Since his recent surgery sites have healed wonderfully (answered prayers), my Dad feels like the feeding tube surgery and healing will go okay. He really needs a tube because it is so hard for him to swallow and take in enough fluids and nutrition. So we are praying for another smooth procedure and recovery. We continuously pray for a miracle.

Oh, but that’s not it. Of course not. It never is.

While at the hospital this evening, I also visited my Grandma (My Dad’s mom) on the floor below my Dad. Why do I have yet another family member in the hospital? Well, she fell and broke her hip last night. She had surgery today that went well, so we’re praying for her recovery too.

I don’t understand why my family can’t catch a break. Why do we have to continue to face nothing but heartache, pain, suffering, and troubles? Is there an end to this 2 year journey from Hell? Earlier today I just wanted to yell, run away, give up. Yet I was speechless and numb. Anger started to surface. I am angry that we can’t actually live. This thing we do each day is not called living. It’s called suffering. Why do I care to live if each day brings worse news? I am not suicidal, but I just am fed up with life. Enough is enough! Haven’t we had our share? How much can one family take? How much should we have to take? I thought we were well beyond our limit, but apparently not.

My Dad continues to fight for his life, only for us. He does anything and everything he can to see tomorrow. He is beyond courageous, strong, determined… more so than I can even grasp.

God, we’re ready for that miracle.

Short update

Wow.. it’s tense around here.


Wait, that’s an understatement.

Yesterday I got very stressed out and thankfully I had to the chance to get away and go fishing/hang out with Ryan. I decided it will be better to do Zumba on Thursday night this week.
The atmosphere can change in a matter of seconds around here.

We are fighting death. We are fighting against what the world/medical field says. We are not letting go or giving up. It is a tough battle that not just my Dad is fighting. If I start to age quickly, go gray, or something of the sort, you know why.
We switched from Home Health Care to Hospice last week and now we are going to switch back. Hospice’s philosophy is to make the patient comfortable and allow the natural process of death to occur and that is against our philosophy.
My Dad has an newly developed infection and has to get his chemo port removed and a catheter put in the other side. Pray that the minor procedure goes just fine.

Just wanted to let you know I’m alive. I’m too drained to write anymore.