Pulled

To go to school this semester or not to go… that is the question.

I have a important decision to make in very little time.

If I go to school this fall, it will be S&T of Rolla. I am already registered and “ready” to go in that sense. I could go part-time or full-time, and I will get a lot of financial aid due to the unfortunate circumstances. Although if I go at all, I think I’d rather just take 12 hours and make it full-time instead of like 9 or so. Plus the aid may be affected by full or part time, but I don’t know quite yet.

But. There’s always a but.

If I do go to S&T, I will be consumed by classes, studying, tests, stress. My life will revolve around school, just as it always inevitably does. An upcoming test or project is always on the back of my mind, even in my sleep. Even if it’s just 12 hours– that’s just my perfectionist nature. So what does that mean? It means that I may not have the space and time to heal from my Dad’s passing. Or perhaps this will all catch up to me and I won’t even have the ability to concentrate and do well in class. I can’t quite predict what will happen when life settles down to a new normal. But I know that if I don’t allow myself to heal now, it will catch up to me sometime. It cannot be ignored.

So what if I don’t go and give myself time to breathe, reflect, and adjust? May I mention that my family hasn’t been able to breathe easy in a few years? Except now that we can, we are breathing different, with part of us gone. So it’s all new and different on many levels.

I will be another semester behind, kind of. I almost have 80 hours, but I’ve only gone 3 semesters plus two classes during a summer so I’m not completely behind. If you look at the 80 hours part, I’m technically ahead.
But in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s more important to take care of myself instead of making sure I am “on schedule” to graduate. I don’t even know my estimated date of graduation anymore. When the time is right is more realistic than xx/xxxx. From this whole tragedy known as cancer, I’ve learned to put things in perspective. I’ve seen up-close how precious life really is, and what is most important.

So if don’t go to class, what will I do with my healing time? I can’t just sit at home lonely. By the way, I think it’s worse going to school being lonely than not going to school and being lonely. I’ve experienced both, in the fall of 08 and the spring of 09, and it’s very isolating to go through classes and studying alone.

I could… continue work as a sub or find another job, travel and visit family and friends, spend time with my Mom, _______, or _________, and most importantly, sort out my feelings.

It’s hard to tell what will be best when I can’t have a free trial. Once school starts, I’m out of 10% of money at the least. I have to decide by the very latest, August 23rd, ready or not. As my Aunt said, sometimes making a decision is when you can’t make one at all. It’s so hard to guess how I will feel and what will work best with my life right now. I don’t want to feel any regrets. I want to make a wise and responsible decision for myself. I want to do what God wants me to do.

I am being pulled both ways. Back and forth, back and forth.

18 Replies to “Pulled”

  1. Got to your blog via Glnroz. Just wanted to put in my two cents. First, I'm very sorry about your dad. And second, for me grief is either mind-numbing or overwhelming. In either case, it's always helped me to have a structured, long-term activity to keep my gears turning (during mind-numb) and to keep me grounded (during overwhelming). School is pretty much perfect for that. And, conveniently, it's structured in four month segments. So if you do go back and find that it's too much, you don't have long to stick it out before you can lay it to the side. I'll be following, and thinking of you and your family.

  2. Got to your blog via Glnroz. Just wanted to put in my two cents. First, I'm very sorry about your dad. And second, for me grief is either mind-numbing or overwhelming. In either case, it's always helped me to have a structured, long-term activity to keep my gears turning (during mind-numb) and to keep me grounded (during overwhelming). School is pretty much perfect for that. And, conveniently, it's structured in four month segments. So if you do go back and find that it's too much, you don't have long to stick it out before you can lay it to the side.

    I'll be following, and thinking of you and your family.

  3. I'm very sorry about the loss of your dad. I was just a few years older than you when I I, too, came to your site via glnroz.

  4. I'm very sorry about the loss of your dad. I was just a few years older than you when I I, too, came to your site via glnroz.

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. I was much older when my dad died (32) and I found that my busy life with my kids helped with the healing process. Grief sneaks up on you at inopportune times. Structure does help those difficult days go by a little easier. I think that focusing on school may help you cope a little better. If you do go back to school, take it assignment to assignment. Good luck with whatever you decision you make. God bless you and your family.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. I was much older when my dad died (32) and I found that my busy life with my kids helped with the healing process. Grief sneaks up on you at inopportune times. Structure does help those difficult days go by a little easier. I think that focusing on school may help you cope a little better. If you do go back to school, take it assignment to assignment. Good luck with whatever you decision you make. God bless you and your family.

  7. I'm very sorry that you lost your dad. Who wouldn't be pulled every which way at a time like this?Keep breathing, drink lots of water, try to get as much sleep as you need. Whatever you decide will be the right course of action. You can't go wrong. Believe me.

  8. I'm very sorry that you lost your dad. Who wouldn't be pulled every which way at a time like this?

    Keep breathing, drink lots of water, try to get as much sleep as you need. Whatever you decide will be the right course of action. You can't go wrong. Believe me.

  9. I am here because of glnroz, as well. He cares about your well being. Losing your father is devastating. Your confusion is totally understandable. When I lost my dad, I thought life had rearranged itself into permanent, unbearable chaos. With time, the pain went to a place where I could finally bear it. Just think about what your father would want you to do and decide from there. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  10. I am here because of glnroz, as well. He cares about your well being. Losing your father is devastating. Your confusion is totally understandable. When I lost my dad, I thought life had rearranged itself into permanent, unbearable chaos. With time, the pain went to a place where I could finally bear it. Just think about what your father would want you to do and decide from there. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  11. I'm here too because of glnroz. I'm so sorry for the passing of your daddy. Dealing with your loss, and having to deal with school can be overwhelming.Do what is in your heart, pray on it. Listen to it. I would stay in school. (I was a mom at 17 and uneducated) STAY in school. Dedicate this semester to him. And when you graduate, He'll be there with you.. smiling at his beautiful daughter. I wish I was there to hug you and let you know.. I maybe not know you.But I'm here because I CARE. HugZTami

  12. I'm here too because of glnroz.

    I'm so sorry for the passing of your daddy.

    Dealing with your loss, and having to deal with school can be overwhelming.

    Do what is in your heart, pray on it. Listen to it. I would stay in school. (I was a mom at 17 and uneducated) STAY in school. Dedicate this semester to him. And when you graduate, He'll be there with you.. smiling at his beautiful daughter.

    I wish I was there to hug you and let you know.. I maybe not know you.But I'm here because I CARE.

    HugZ
    Tami

  13. I found your blog via Glnroz. My father died when I was in my last semester of an Associate Degree program. I even went to class to take exams the day after he died (my family insisted). I ended up with straight As that semester, even though it was fraught with sadness and the feeling of powerlessness, as I watched the man I loved more than anything slip away from me.My dad would have been so proud of those As.I also thought I needed time to grieve, to accept the new reality. I assumed, after a semester off, I'd go back to class.It's now 26 years later, and I still don't have that Bachelor's Degree. There is NEVER a good time to go to school once you get out of the habit.I'm not trying to tell you what to do – but I just wanted to share MY story, and know that strangers are encouraging you and supporting you in this difficult time.

  14. I found your blog via Glnroz. My father died when I was in my last semester of an Associate Degree program. I even went to class to take exams the day after he died (my family insisted). I ended up with straight As that semester, even though it was fraught with sadness and the feeling of powerlessness, as I watched the man I loved more than anything slip away from me.

    My dad would have been so proud of those As.

    I also thought I needed time to grieve, to accept the new reality. I assumed, after a semester off, I'd go back to class.

    It's now 26 years later, and I still don't have that Bachelor's Degree. There is NEVER a good time to go to school once you get out of the habit.

    I'm not trying to tell you what to do – but I just wanted to share MY story, and know that strangers are encouraging you and supporting you in this difficult time.

  15. Came due to Glnroz. No one can tell you what to do here….but I can tell you to take a deep breath and go down to the root of it…the place only you know, the voice only you hear, and the heart beat only you follow. Listen close, because you know the path. Trust yourself to follow that….only that. You are made of tough stuff, and loved one passing is like wind on blossoms….it happens all the time, but it's personal when they land on you. You take your time, in whatever form that means for you. School will be there, or it will wait. YOU dictate your life, so listen close. You can hear the answer, can't you?

  16. Came due to Glnroz. No one can tell you what to do here….but I can tell you to take a deep breath and go down to the root of it…the place only you know, the voice only you hear, and the heart beat only you follow. Listen close, because you know the path. Trust yourself to follow that….only that. You are made of tough stuff, and loved one passing is like wind on blossoms….it happens all the time, but it's personal when they land on you. You take your time, in whatever form that means for you. School will be there, or it will wait. YOU dictate your life, so listen close. You can hear the answer, can't you?

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