To go to school this semester or not to go… that is the question.
I have a important decision to make in very little time.
If I go to school this fall, it will be S&T of Rolla. I am already registered and “ready” to go in that sense. I could go part-time or full-time, and I will get a lot of financial aid due to the unfortunate circumstances. Although if I go at all, I think I’d rather just take 12 hours and make it full-time instead of like 9 or so. Plus the aid may be affected by full or part time, but I don’t know quite yet.
But. There’s always a but.
If I do go to S&T, I will be consumed by classes, studying, tests, stress. My life will revolve around school, just as it always inevitably does. An upcoming test or project is always on the back of my mind, even in my sleep. Even if it’s just 12 hours– that’s just my perfectionist nature. So what does that mean? It means that I may not have the space and time to heal from my Dad’s passing. Or perhaps this will all catch up to me and I won’t even have the ability to concentrate and do well in class. I can’t quite predict what will happen when life settles down to a new normal. But I know that if I don’t allow myself to heal now, it will catch up to me sometime. It cannot be ignored.
So what if I don’t go and give myself time to breathe, reflect, and adjust? May I mention that my family hasn’t been able to breathe easy in a few years? Except now that we can, we are breathing different, with part of us gone. So it’s all new and different on many levels.
I will be another semester behind, kind of. I almost have 80 hours, but I’ve only gone 3 semesters plus two classes during a summer so I’m not completely behind. If you look at the 80 hours part, I’m technically ahead.
But in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s more important to take care of myself instead of making sure I am “on schedule” to graduate. I don’t even know my estimated date of graduation anymore. When the time is right is more realistic than xx/xxxx. From this whole tragedy known as cancer, I’ve learned to put things in perspective. I’ve seen up-close how precious life really is, and what is most important.
So if don’t go to class, what will I do with my healing time? I can’t just sit at home lonely. By the way, I think it’s worse going to school being lonely than not going to school and being lonely. I’ve experienced both, in the fall of 08 and the spring of 09, and it’s very isolating to go through classes and studying alone.
I could… continue work as a sub or find another job, travel and visit family and friends, spend time with my Mom, _______, or _________, and most importantly, sort out my feelings.
It’s hard to tell what will be best when I can’t have a free trial. Once school starts, I’m out of 10% of money at the least. I have to decide by the very latest, August 23rd, ready or not. As my Aunt said, sometimes making a decision is when you can’t make one at all. It’s so hard to guess how I will feel and what will work best with my life right now. I don’t want to feel any regrets. I want to make a wise and responsible decision for myself. I want to do what God wants me to do.
I am being pulled both ways. Back and forth, back and forth.