I long for the days of the past when…
a smile came naturally.
I laughed often.
I went to bed feeling pleased about my day and woke up with a promise.
life was a blessing, not a burden.
I didn’t feel the need to apologize to my boyfriend for being depressed. Because I wasn’t.
I replied “I’m doing well” and I fully meant it.
the days just weren’t long enough.
my heart felt light.
I didn’t know loneliness.
I was familiar with fun.
my future, as soon as the next day, looked inviting.
I felt comfortable being me.
my eyes sparkled with life.
it felt good to be alive and well.
I lived in the present.
I felt normal.
But for now, it seems impossible to ever feel that way again. And if I ever see a glimpse of hope, it’s shattered when I realize I don’t know how to get there.
How could it not seem hopeless? I feel distant, alone, depressed, lonely, and that’s not the full extent of it. I feel strange. Out-of-place. Empty. Lifeless. Then I feel as if I let others down by feeling that way. For being helpless and feeling like a burden. I feel that I can’t live up to my full potential of being a girlfriend, friend, daughter, and Mindy. Then my heart hurts worse because so I desperately want to. I want to cry in your arms and tell you I’m so sorry I’m not myself but I will be soon. Thank you for loving me regardless. I want to tell you that I can be a better friend and that I want you to know the joyful me. Thank you for caring and listening and not giving up on me. I’m afraid to lose more than I have lost already.
I am angry that I am depressed and I don’t know how I got here or how to get out. But on Thursday, I am taking a step to change. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t.