Blue Christmas

As evident from my lack of blogging, Ryan is here and I’m lovin’ it. And lovin’ him, oh-soo-much. :)


However, as for my Mom’s actions in the past few days… not so much.

She has come thisclose to ruining my Christmas spirit and my Ryan high. But I will not let her.

She called me the night Ryan got here (Thursday) and starts in on a serious conversation about Christmas. You see, we were planning on having my Dad’s side of the family at our house Christmas Eve and then we would also be with them on Christmas day at my Aunt & Uncle’s. That was the plan until she calls and tells me she has different ideas. This is the first I’ve heard of it and she starts in asking my opinion of her new fling, or whatever you wanna call him, joining us on Christmas. She is already well aware of what I think about him, but it seems that she didn’t like my answer… so she kept asking. How many different ways can I say it? No, of course I do not want to see him. Not on Christmas, not any day of the week. Never, thank you.

Our conversation goes in circles and gets no where. She even had the balls to ask if I can be with Ryan on Christmas Eve so that she can be with her bf. The other family members don’t want him at our Christmas either so I think that’s why she wanted Christmas Eve “free.” She even goes on to say, “I probably won’t be part of the family next year.” My Mom does not seem to understand that they are my family… always have been… always will be. So if she thinks she isn’t part of it anymore because my Dad passed away, then she is further distancing herself from me.

The conversation ended with me hanging up before I burst into tears on the phone, so instead I cried on Ryan in the midst of our lovely evening. I can’t believe my Mom is making this Christmas, the first one without my Dad, even harder for me. I want to call her a lot of choice words but I’ll just leave it at heartless.

The next day she tells me (in person this time) that she decided we won’t have the family over for Christmas Eve, but instead we’ll just stay at home and have a jolly good time with each other. Although that makes no sense because my brother will be working and she said she’ll probably leave that evening to go hang out with what’s-his-name. One of her excuses for not having the family over is “that they haven’t been out since Dad’s memorial and they’ll all be crying and depressed when they walk in the door.” It’s partly true because she doesn’t want to face the reality and be in a situation that would force her feelings to come out of hiding. But mostly, she just wants to hang out with him.

As of right now, I don’t even want to be around her on Christmas.

This isn’t the last of the drama.

Ryan and I showed up at my house the other night and little did we know, we were interrupting her plans. She was “very disappointed because he was going to come over and she wanted the house to herself.” Oh, sorry Mom for coming home.

The next night she makes sure to tell me not to come home between 8 and midnight. Because he’ll be over and she doesn’t want anyone else there. I won’t even tell you what she said when she called me at 11:30 that night. Nor will I tell you what kind of trouble my brother got into that night while also temporarily being kicked out of the house.

Should I pack my bags now or later?

Merry Blue Christmas to you too, Mom.

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In other bad news, I received the financial aid information for AU. It would cost me $7,000 to go there next semester. The letter, plus my Mom’s Christmas decision, sent me straight into depression mode. Is there really a solution to this mess called my life? Someone please wake me up from this nightmare. Ryan has been here since Thursday night and I’ve already cried twice. I’m so glad he loves me.

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