Today was my third, one-hour long therapy session. Unfortunately, I won’t be going back until over a month from now because she will be on vacation and then there’s the Holidays. I’m kinda bummed about that, but I’ll keep working on what we’ve talked about and most of this healing just takes time.
Today I showed her pictures of my family and Ryan as she requested. I also read to her part of the letter I wrote to Ryan when we broke-up, which was about my self conscious problem that we talked about last time. Then I read her something I wrote when I felt depressed one night a few weeks ago. I told her that little frustrations or events can trigger depression and it just goes downhill from there because I start thinking about life and everything. I usually still feel a little down the next day and don’t get rid of the feeling until that night or even the day after that. She said I probably have mild depression, which is normal to have in my situation. Not only has my Dad passed away, but I’ve “lost” my Mom and I’m also in a transition phase of my life. I’m still living at home, but will soon need to move and start my own life, but this will hold me back. On top of that, I’m dealing with loneliness, anxiety, and my boyfriend is 380 miles away. Wow, that’s depressing just to say. Honestly, if this is just mild depression, I’d hate to feel anything worse. I know there is worse because I don’t feel like that all the time and I still have motivation to do daily tasks, like eat or shower.
She gave me a few suggestions for coping with depression. First off, I shouldn’t isolate myself like I currently do when I feel depressed. I must force myself to talk to people or get out or do something. Like a few weeks ago when I felt depressed, I made myself leave the house and go talk to my friend Tiffany (thanks to a suggestion from a blog friend.) Also, if I push myself to do that more often then I will feel depressed less often. In turn, I will also help my social anxiety. She also suggested that I eat protein for breakfast and have more for other meals. I currently probably don’t eat enough protein and it will help the chemical imbalance in my brain. Also, she told me to go to the health store and buy amino acid L-phenylalanine to take two times a day. It should also help increase the serotonin in my brain, but it will take several weeks to feel its effects. I’m going to start that tonight.
I also brought in my letter that I hand-wrote to my Dad (which I wrote last night) and she wanted me to read it out-loud. Immediately I started crying and she said I need to cry, especially in front of people. I hate crying (especially in front of people.) The letter was 3 pages long so it took a little bit to read. There was so much more that I could’ve said in the letter, but it did feel good to write what I did (although sad too.) I wrote about how life has changed, my Mom, school, depression, etc. It turned out a lot better than I thought it would because I’m so used to typing out my thoughts and being able to edit in the process.
Since I talked about next semester in my letter, we touched on that for a minute. She said it is a tough decision whether to stay here or go to AU. One thing she said to be careful of is to not become emotionally dependent on Ryan if I live close to him. I would be very vulnerable to that right now in any relationship and should be cautious of developing unhealthy relationships. But she sees that it is hard to live here and constantly be reminded of what has happened.
At my last therapy session, she told me to memorize a few verses to say when I feel anxious. So far, I’m using…
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
If you have any other verses or wisdom about all of this, I’m open to it!