Loneliness… one of the worst feelings I’ve ever met. It has been a main characteristic of my life the past 6 months. Absolutely way too long. It’s a hard feeling to describe, but almost like an emptiness and ache that makes my heart long for something. Friends. Ryan.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love my family and they are always here for me and I am here for them (my whole reason being in this situation). Sometimes they do help me forget about being lonely. I cherish the small amount of time I get to spend with a few people around here, but we are living such different lives and hardly find time to hang out. Especially when one of them lives a couple hours away in Springfield. I was ecstatic and blessed to be able to hang out with my friend from Indiana when he visited a week ago.
However, sometimes this just isn’t enough– to put it simply, I am realllly lonely. It keeps getting worse as the semester continues. I try to keep myself busy with homework to keep my mind off of it but my work load isn’t THAT bad. There are times, especially during the weekend, when it just overcomes me. It really kinda depresses me and wants me want the days to go by quickly. Yeah summer will be good with Ryan back, but summer will fly by and then what? I think I am in a lose-lose situation.
If I go back to AU (knowing that my dad is fine) it will never be the same after what my family has been through. Even if my dad is cancer free, I will still be really sad to be away from my family (especially 400 miles). Things will never be back to “normal.” It’s just so hard to explain unless you’re in the situation. So I could continue living at home, being with my family, but have a very limited social life. But another positive aspect is, it is way less stressful living at home than living on campus and truly living “the college life.” I don’t think I can do this though for much longer. This loneliness really gets to me. I need my best friends by my side, not over the internet or phone. Not just best friends, but friends! People! Interaction! Listen to me, the introvert, saying this. It’s true though. No matter if you are an introvert or extrovert, you need interaction with people. That is how God made us.
I don’t talk to anyone at S&T unless it’s in my labs when we have to work together. It’s not that I’m avoiding them, but it’s just not happening. I don’t exactly fit in there. I don’t have any partying stories to share with them nor would I want to hang out with them and get drunk on the weekends. Not saying that EVERY PERSON there is like that, but overall, sorry to say, yes they are. And how do I meet people anyway? I don’t live on campus; I go to class and come home. I’m a middle of the year transfer student. Kinda hard to jump right in, especially when the classes aren’t really small like at AU. People already have their “groups” and obviously aren’t very friendly. So making any decent friends there seems like a very small chance.
What would really be ideal is having my best friends and my family closer– not two states away from each other. However, that is not reality. I pray that God will show me where He wants me next fall and that I will embrace it.
Honestly, I just want to be done with college because I don’t think I’ll ever really like the any situation. I don’t want to wish my life away, but it depresses me thinking about having 2-3 more years of this unhappiness. I think I would only truly like it if I was married– but who knows if I really would?! Maybe it would be too stressful on a marriage and cause more problems. I know that I am not anywhere close to the word married, but sometimes I wish I was ready & married– so I would always have my best friend and husband by my side. So even if I quickly finished college by some means of magic, once again the question is, then what? Have a job and be lonely? Probably still not be close to marriage? Joy.
Cancer makes me angry. It has caused so much grief and suffering I can’t bare to think about it for very long. If I feel like this and I’m not even the one with the cancer, how do you think my dad feels??? Or my mom– his wife; sharing their life together, in joy and pain?!
SIGH.
Life is complicated. And hard –that’s for sure. I must put it all in God’s hands and lean on Him during these rough times.
If you read this, please pray for complete physical healing by March 11th, my dad’s next PET scan.
God and His word give me comfort.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
God promises that in ALL THINGS He works for the good for those who love him. [Romans 8:28]
He has plans for us to prosper us and not to harm us, and give us HOPE and a future. [Jeremiah 29:11]
There are so many more. These are verses that many of us have heard multiple times, but they are SO meaningful if you take them to heart.
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