Looking Back

This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!

[Basically, I am going to give you a look back into my life when I first started blogging. Click here for more details.]

My first blog, if you can call it that, was on Xanga in October 2005. A lot of people I knew were writing on there and commenting back and forth. It was actually really fun and I remember always looking forward to reading what people had to say on their posts and mine. And then it quickly died down when Facebook took it’s place..However, I did start writing on it in Fall 2008 again when I needed some writing therapy. And Xanga got replaced yet again by this blog. It didn’t really matter though because those writings for basically for myself.

So when I first started blogging, my posts were very basic writings about my day; nothing too deep. But I still love looking back on it and I actually love people’s comments more than my posts. The blog post I’m going to share is the third one I wrote, and it’s actually more than just rambling about my day. It was a major turning point in my life. My ex bf (not Ryan; this was pre-Ryan) and I had broken up that summer, but I was having problems letting go. Yes, even 2 months later. The whole thing is actually a really long story, but I will condense it.

I thought my world was ending– I had never felt pain like it before (little did I know I would feel much more pain 3 years later). But it was actually the beginning of a new life: a new me, new friends, new beliefs, and it’s all because I allowed God in my life. It was amazing to say at the least. I still look back in awe and I always will.

This post marked the day when I finally let go. I was moving on to the next chapter and I’m so glad I did. God had amazing things in store for me, such as a boy named Ryan just less than a month later. I used to cry, not because I was sad, but because I was so overwhelmed with joy.

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Thursday, 13 October 2005

First off, I would like to apologize to my friends if I’ve been acting kinda weird lately or just not being the best of a friend that I should be. Life has not been the best. Actually it’s been very difficult. There’s been a few things going on that seem to affect everything in my life. For example, as many of you proabably noticed, I’m not at school today. And guess what? This is the 3rd white day I’ve missed already and it’s only October. That means I can only miss one more and then my credits are gone. Yeah definitely don’t want that to happen. But anyway last night was ..interesting. I’m not going to say why it was interesting but I didn’t get to bed till midnight, barely even looked at my homework, and felt like crap because I have a cold. So when my alarm went off at 6 AM, of course I didn’t even feel like moving. I’ve noticed I’ve felt like this lately..No motivation to do anything (therefore I never do my homework), hardly enough sleep, and I’ve felt like the crappiest friend ever! It’s horrible.. I want things to change so bad. Right now what I need more than anything is to have God in my life. I know this for a fact..It’s been rather obvious for a few months now. However, I also know I have been resisting a little bit and not trusting Him like I should. I guess a way that I can describe how I feel is that I’m being pulled back and forth, very strongly at times, from living that life and then back to the darkness that I have lived in. For example, last night was one of those times I was getting closer to the darkness, farther into a deep, dark pit. I need out bad. In fact, more than ever right now. I thought things were really gonna be okay and then all of a sudden they aren’t. However, the good thing is I know I don’t have to deal with this anymore..I don’t want to and I’m not going to. From here on out, it’s over. I’m letting God handle the rest. I seriously can’t wait to live this life I’ve been wanting for the past few months. Well really, I don’t have to wait. It’s right there..so close..! Okay now I’m sure a few people are kind of lost about some things, but don’t worry too much about it. Just know that my life is about to change in so many good ways and it’s going to be amazing. I just want to let everyone know that I love all of you so much and I wouldn’t know what to do without my friends. I’ve been surrounded by so many amazing and awesome people this school year that I never knew very well before. I’m so happy and thankful that I’ve got to know them. Well I’m glad that I got that off my shoulders. Now I need to go do some homework .. Thanks for listening.
.lovealways.
minday~
*Oh & here’s some pics I got developed yesterday.

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I also have to share a comment that I left on Ryan’s Xanga on Oct 19th, 05 …