I am ending this writer’s block/lack of motivation right now.. Even if I end up with a random post!
First off, I am so thankful I am not sick anymore! Please, no more sickness for a while! I went to the Dr the other day, but that’s the day I started feeling better (it always happens like that). They didn’t really do anything, but I did get a breathing treatment. I officially do not like going to any doctor now. I used to actually like going, but now I am scared that they will want to draw my blood. She started to mention mono and I was like, “NO! It’s not mono!!” I knew it wasn’t, and I also knew they would need blood to test that. Sigh. I need to get over that fear. I will one day.
Speaking of that, it happened in my dream last night and it wasn’t too bad. I’ve been watching “Baby Week” on Discovery Health (I LOVE those shows: Birth Day, Deliver Me, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, etc). I think I’m watching too much because I was pregnant in my dream (that’s why they were drawing blood). Also those shows scare me sometimes because you learn a lot about labor and delivery. Yikes.
I’ve been having lots of dreams (lots of sleep = lots of REM). Ex boyfriend/boyfriend & ex-ex boyfriend dreams (ew), a wedding, babysitting in the ghetto, riding a bike to summer school, getting lost, and being late, and a swimming dream… These are just some that I remember off the top of my head lately! Seriously though, my sleep schedule is very messed up right now. Ex: Last night I went to bed at 3 AM, today I got up at 1 PM. The night before I went to bed at 5 AM, got up around noon I think. It’s not that it really matters I guess, since I have nothing to do anyway, but it does get kind of annoying. I recently discovered that it starts getting light around 5 AM… wow, so early! I don’t like when it starts getting light before I’ve gone to sleep because I like total darkness. I also learned that there are some decent TV shows on in the middle of the night, even on Discovery Health! Not necessarily a good thing, since it just keeps me up longer.
So once again, summer is going at a fast-forward speed. Tomorrow turns into yesterday quicker than I’d like. Yet…I feel that I am really just “wasting” my summer [minus when I hang out with Ryan, mostly in the evenings]. During the day, I do literally NOTHING. I feel so lazy and unmotivated, as I said in my last post. I hate it. But what is there to do? Especially alone? Ugh. I don’t really have anyone to hang out with besides Ryan. I LOVE hanging out with him of course, but he is busy during the day. I feel like I don’t have any friends because I don’t hang out with anyone else. No offense to anyone. It’s just sad. Sometimes I wish I had a different life. I really haven’t enjoyed life in a while. I don’t know if it’s because of the loneliness, my family’s situation (because trust me, when one person in your family is ill, it affects EVERYONE), or maybe because I don’t like where I am in life/am not comfortable with who I am, or perhaps many reasons combined. I think about it at least once a day and feel down. What am I supposed to do? I feel so stuck. I feel like I am stuck for a while and it’s so depressing. When will my family be happy again? When will I be able to truly feel happy about a day of life? No one knows how depressed I get when I think about how quickly the fall semester will be here and how lonely I will be again. I try not to think about it as to not ruin the time I do have right now with Ryan, but it is a fact that it pops up in my mind occasionally. I just remember how sad I got this past semester, and how my bad days outnumbered the good days. There’s not much I can do. I can’t leave my family right now; that is not an option.
I miss my “old” self, my “old” family, our “previous” life. It feels like it was so long ago.
When I think about who I am, I don’t really like it. I won’t get far into that right now. I don’t even like what I look like on the outside. I just wish I could find motivation/inspiration to do something. I don’t even feel like eating as healthy as I’d like anymore. I have unread books on my shelf that I’d like to read, but just can’t do it. I had plans to continue learning how to play the piano. I need to study for the CBASE. There are some things I can do, but I just need to get started! Here is a good way to describe how I feel about my life: I feel like I am just going through the motions of life. Very sad way to live. Oh how I long for a change.
Sorry this turned a little depressing. This is some of what has been on my mind. One more sad thing and hopefully I’ll move on: Ryan left today for really a month, but will be back in two weeks for a couple days, and then maybe again two weeks after that for a few days. He’s on tour; playing in a band at different Church camps/conventions in different states. I’m happy for him that he has that opportunity, but I will miss him as usual!
Alright, moving on with some random thoughts…
My parents have yet to turn in their taxes (they filed for an extension), but it needs to be done SOON so I can finish my FAFSA/financial aid. Yikes.
I need to stop chewing ice. I’ve been saying this for a while.
Both my mom & my brother’s vehicles have had some major problems lately and are in the shop.
My hair is SO tangled when I get out of the shower and try to “pick” it. I get EXTREMELY frustrated when my hair is tangled so if I chop it off one day, that’s why.
It seems like so many people are 1)getting engaged 2)getting married and/or 3)having babies. Does this mean I’m getting old? Wait, I’m only 20. It seems old & young at the same time! In a little over a month I’ll be 21. Whoa.
Ok, this is enough for now. I’ll be back soon.