Uncertainty

I can hardly believe it. That time of the semester is quickly approaching… yet again.


In fact, I’ve already seen the class schedule for Spring 2010 and today I just got an email about making an advising appointment for next week.

Registration for next semester. Hold on a minute– spring semester? What happened to this one? And not to mention we’re talking about 2010. Way over my head.

Decisions, planning, registering. A reminder (as if I needed a reminder) that I don’t really have a plan. Feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and frustration. Uncomfortable feelings that I don’t like.

It should be easy. Look at the degree requirements, figure out which ones are next in line, make them fit together nicely, and you’re done! For most students, that is.

For me, scheduling always brings up the word “if.” And a whole lot of questions.

Should I stay or should I go? Where does God want me? Do I even want to take classes? What if this is a waste of time? Why does it have to be like this?

I could make it easy and just pretend like everything is peachy, but I’m not really into acting.

I have mentioned before that the longer I am away from AU, the harder it is to go back. How I wish it was all easy and I could pack my bags and leave with confidence.

But…

It is ever so complicated. Story of my life. Where do I start? Honestly and embarrassingly, I’ve been away from people so long that I’ve developed some type of social anxiety. Which may or may not be related to the fact that I feel that I would be out of place at AU. I see it very difficult trying to fit back in and find my place, make friends, and learn how to be sociable again. It may sound ridiculous, but that’s just how it is and I must face the truth.

It’s hard to leave home. Still. Even though my Dad isn’t here suffering anymore, now he is gone and that presents a new issue. Partly that I would feel bad leaving my Mom here alone and also issues within myself. I kind of fear that I might get more homesick, or depressed, or who knows what being far away from home, still coping with my feelings about my Dad’s passing. A fear of then being stuck there.

Yet another part of it is.. I wouldn’t have any idea what classes to take if I transferred again! Transferring back and forth eventually makes some classes worthless in terms of them fulfilling degree requirements. AU doesn’t even have the secondary education degree similar to S&T’s that I’m in right now. It also has different requirements for biology, and not to mention, liberal arts requirements.

But then again, from where will I graduate? I hope I don’t live at home and go to S&T until 2012, my estimated graduation date. And what about AU, would I really graduate from there? Ryan will (mostly likely) graduate next December, and then what? We can’t be apart forever, but I don’t know what will happen then. So then if I don’t know where I would graduate, why not just take some classes wherever the heck I want and someday, somewhere I will eventually fulfill a degree requirement!? Interesting thought.

I can’t say for sure what kind of financial aid I would get at AU, but it’s hard to pass up free education plus another nice refund at S&T next semester. I’m almost positive I would not get as much aid at AU.

But oh! how I long to be close to my boyfriend, the few friends I have, and live a somewhat “normal” college life. To have this empty part of my heart filled would be nothing less than amazing.

It’s difficult to know what to do. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and imagine I’m someone else. But that wouldn’t get me anywhere either.

I wish it was simple.

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