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214 — the room number of my first class today. Bright ‘n early at 8 AM.


1 —- how long the summer felt… that’s in minutes. I am serious. Read my other post from today.


5 —- the very small number of hours I slept last night. Yikes.


384 —- the # of miles that now separates Ryan and me. That’s 384 too many!


16 —- weeks ahead of me in this semester. Watch them fly by.


2 —- hour nap this afternoon helped my sleep deprivation enough to make it through a 2 hour evening class.


11 —- my self-proclaimed bed time tonight, in order to be prepared for another 8 AM class.


60 —- the amount of money I just spent on a new backpack (moonlight ivory color).


3 —- the # of times I drove to Rolla today. 1) first class 2) eye check-up 3) last class


20/40 —- my vision, according to the eye doctor today. Still legal to drive without glasses! Take that license bureau, who gave me some weird right eye restriction that requires me to have a right mirror on my car. Who doesn’t have one? Duh!


400 —- the approximate number of calories in my breakfast


4 —- the # of people who will win a pair of Gap jeans from this giveaway…I could be one of them and so could you! Enter the giveaway here for a chance. Telling you about it just gave me 1 more entry!


0 —- how many more times I want to say goodbye to Ryan for a long period of time. Let me spell it out for you… Z-E-R-O.

Writer’s block: go away & stay away!

I am ending this writer’s block/lack of motivation right now.. Even if I end up with a random post!


First off, I am so thankful I am not sick anymore! Please, no more sickness for a while! I went to the Dr the other day, but that’s the day I started feeling better (it always happens like that). They didn’t really do anything, but I did get a breathing treatment. I officially do not like going to any doctor now. I used to actually like going, but now I am scared that they will want to draw my blood. She started to mention mono and I was like, “NO! It’s not mono!!” I knew it wasn’t, and I also knew they would need blood to test that. Sigh. I need to get over that fear. I will one day.
Speaking of that, it happened in my dream last night and it wasn’t too bad. I’ve been watching “Baby Week” on Discovery Health (I LOVE those shows: Birth Day, Deliver Me, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, etc). I think I’m watching too much because I was pregnant in my dream (that’s why they were drawing blood). Also those shows scare me sometimes because you learn a lot about labor and delivery. Yikes.
I’ve been having lots of dreams (lots of sleep = lots of REM). Ex boyfriend/boyfriend & ex-ex boyfriend dreams (ew), a wedding, babysitting in the ghetto, riding a bike to summer school, getting lost, and being late, and a swimming dream… These are just some that I remember off the top of my head lately! Seriously though, my sleep schedule is very messed up right now. Ex: Last night I went to bed at 3 AM, today I got up at 1 PM. The night before I went to bed at 5 AM, got up around noon I think. It’s not that it really matters I guess, since I have nothing to do anyway, but it does get kind of annoying. I recently discovered that it starts getting light around 5 AM… wow, so early! I don’t like when it starts getting light before I’ve gone to sleep because I like total darkness. I also learned that there are some decent TV shows on in the middle of the night, even on Discovery Health! Not necessarily a good thing, since it just keeps me up longer.
So once again, summer is going at a fast-forward speed. Tomorrow turns into yesterday quicker than I’d like. Yet…I feel that I am really just “wasting” my summer [minus when I hang out with Ryan, mostly in the evenings]. During the day, I do literally NOTHING. I feel so lazy and unmotivated, as I said in my last post. I hate it. But what is there to do? Especially alone? Ugh. I don’t really have anyone to hang out with besides Ryan. I LOVE hanging out with him of course, but he is busy during the day. I feel like I don’t have any friends because I don’t hang out with anyone else. No offense to anyone. It’s just sad. Sometimes I wish I had a different life. I really haven’t enjoyed life in a while. I don’t know if it’s because of the loneliness, my family’s situation (because trust me, when one person in your family is ill, it affects EVERYONE), or maybe because I don’t like where I am in life/am not comfortable with who I am, or perhaps many reasons combined. I think about it at least once a day and feel down. What am I supposed to do? I feel so stuck. I feel like I am stuck for a while and it’s so depressing. When will my family be happy again? When will I be able to truly feel happy about a day of life? No one knows how depressed I get when I think about how quickly the fall semester will be here and how lonely I will be again. I try not to think about it as to not ruin the time I do have right now with Ryan, but it is a fact that it pops up in my mind occasionally. I just remember how sad I got this past semester, and how my bad days outnumbered the good days. There’s not much I can do. I can’t leave my family right now; that is not an option.
I miss my “old” self, my “old” family, our “previous” life. It feels like it was so long ago.
When I think about who I am, I don’t really like it. I won’t get far into that right now. I don’t even like what I look like on the outside. I just wish I could find motivation/inspiration to do something. I don’t even feel like eating as healthy as I’d like anymore. I have unread books on my shelf that I’d like to read, but just can’t do it. I had plans to continue learning how to play the piano. I need to study for the CBASE. There are some things I can do, but I just need to get started! Here is a good way to describe how I feel about my life: I feel like I am just going through the motions of life. Very sad way to live. Oh how I long for a change.
Sorry this turned a little depressing. This is some of what has been on my mind. One more sad thing and hopefully I’ll move on: Ryan left today for really a month, but will be back in two weeks for a couple days, and then maybe again two weeks after that for a few days. He’s on tour; playing in a band at different Church camps/conventions in different states. I’m happy for him that he has that opportunity, but I will miss him as usual!

Alright, moving on with some random thoughts…
My parents have yet to turn in their taxes (they filed for an extension), but it needs to be done SOON so I can finish my FAFSA/financial aid. Yikes.
I need to stop chewing ice. I’ve been saying this for a while.
Both my mom & my brother’s vehicles have had some major problems lately and are in the shop.
My hair is SO tangled when I get out of the shower and try to “pick” it. I get EXTREMELY frustrated when my hair is tangled so if I chop it off one day, that’s why.
It seems like so many people are 1)getting engaged 2)getting married and/or 3)having babies. Does this mean I’m getting old? Wait, I’m only 20. It seems old & young at the same time! In a little over a month I’ll be 21. Whoa.

Ok, this is enough for now. I’ll be back soon.

2.14: Love Story

Happy Heart Day! <3

2.14 is not only Valentine’s Day, but also the date when Ryan and I became an official couple in 2006. It is a very special day for us.

Personally I love our love story…

Let me first tell you that I had my eyes on Ryan since junior high. I didn’t really know him, but I knew he was HOTT. In high school he was in Drumline and I was in Color Guard and I specifically remember checking him out at band rehearsals quite often. This part sounds bad, but all my ex-boyfriends even knew about this attraction I had. I never acted on it– just enjoyed the eye candy.


Well, after a very dramatic break-up at the beginning of my junior year, I was just about fed up with boys. I had a few guy friends I would hang out with, but I was pretty much convinced I would not find anyone in St. James that was “dateable.” I mean– come on, it’s a small town. I THOUGHT I knew every guy and none of them were an option. Truthfully I thought I’d find a guy at college because St. James was hopeless.


Fall of 2005 (my junior year) I had embraced the single life for one of the first times. I was always the girl who had a boyfriend. By “embracing” it, I mean hanging out with close girl friends, like Miss Courtney Campbell. One night I remember so clearly (to be exact, November 5th) Courtney and I are talking on MSN and she says.. “We should find some guys to hang out with tonight!” Immediately my reaction was, “Ha..like who?!” And then basically out of nowhere I said, “The only guy I would consider is Ryan Ray.”

Well, let me back up a minute. Ryan had not been on my mind or “eyes” for a while just because I was so involved in a relationship and then break up. And then about a month before we first hung out, I started attending the First Church of God youth group on Wednesday nights [I went with Jess Hays who was going with Kelly Cornick]. This was the point where my life was really turning around and I truly became a follower of Christ. This is also a really cool part of our love story because if I would’ve met Ryan before this point, he would’ve known me as a totally different person and wouldn’t have necessarily liked who I was. God has perfect timing. Anyway, to my surprise, guess who was the drummer for youth group? Ryan Ray. From that point on, I think he was in the back of my mind.

So after telling Courtney about the only guy I would consider, she adds him on MSN Messenger. She doesn’t really know him, just knows of him — same with me. But regardless, she talks to him on MSN and she finds out he is meeting some friends at Imo’s that night. AND SHE INVITES OURSELVES TO JOIN THEM. This is borderline stalkerish, but I guess he did agree. And plus, one of my good friends, Jess, was going too. Once again, small town– we knew the other two girls who were going, Kelly & Sarah.


You can imagine…I was flipping out because Courtney and I were going to hang out with Ryan Ray, the cutest guy I knew (seriously), who probably thought we are CRAZY! First, Courtney and I went to a candle party at Drenda’s house and then we were on our way to Rolla. Our car ride was a little crazy because we ended up taking our shirts off and sticking them out the window to “dry.” HAHA- I’ll leave it at that.


When we arrived (with wind blown hair) they had already ate so we just hung out for a little bit. I think it was kinda awkward, but not too bad. I did, however, invite Ryan to Laura’s house because that’s where Court and I were going next. We drove back to St. James in a bad storm, and finally arrived at Laura’s house. There were some other people there hanging out, and I don’t remember how Ryan got there- but he did show up. I couldn’t have been more excited! I think we were just hanging out, watching movies, and as it got later, Courtney had to go home and I had to take Heather home. Well Ryan and another guy rode with me in the car to take her home and I remember clearly I said to Ryan, “You know I’m not gonna take you home, right?”


I’m really surprised Ryan didn’t try to plan an escape at this point. ;) And hello Miss Assertive!


So we went back to Laura’s house and the people who ended up staying were Ryan Ray, Ryan Dautenhaun, Caylee, Jim, Moniek, and myself. Oh I forgot to mention that Laura was out of town and we were actually having this get together without her, haha!


The rest of the night proved to be interesting… We ended up going to Denny’s around 3 AM, all packing into my LITTLE CAR! I let Ryan drive because I was too terrified that I would get in trouble (I was 17 and the law is you aren’t allowed out between 1-5 AM.) Plus I had 4 people in the backseat, when it only allows 2. Our first destination was one of the people’s work to coughillegallycough borrow the work van at 3 AM. So half of us split up into either car. WERE WE CRAZY OR WHAT!? We went to Denny’s and of course, there were cops there and I was realllly scared that I would get in trouble for being out. They didn’t anything thankfully, and the work car was returned safely, and back to Laura’s house we went! We all decided we would try to sleep even though it was probably 5 AM at this point. There were four of us in a bed, and two on the floor. At like 7 AM Ryan had to go home so I took him (surprised?) and he didn’t even have to give me directions. NO I did not stalk him, my friends used to live close to him.

Ryan at Imo’s being silly:
Everyone crowded in my backseat:

5 AM: Yes, that’s me next to Ryan, haha. Nothing like a spooning party with someone you just met! ;)

Anyway… the rest of our story? We hung out almost every single weekend after that (besides when we were out of town for various reasons). We even hung out a few days after this with another group of people and watched the stars. Sigh. Let’s just say I fell hard..quickly. His personality was just as amazing as his looks. How did Ryan feel? Well, he was playing a little game of hard-to-get. ;) Ok, obviously not playing it too well since he hung out with me a lot, but I couldn’t tell if he was interested for a while. I remember the first time he actually asked me on a “date” to go eat Chinese..Surprisingly I don’t remember the exact date, but I know it was sometime in December. From that point on, it was obvious we both liked each other. Our first kiss was the beginning of January. And like I said, we became an official couple on 2.14.06. He gave me a V-Day card that said to look in a certain place at my house, where he had flowers and a letter about wanting to be in a relationship. It was soo adorable.

Let me tell you what’s awesome about 2.14.
2 was the day I was born, and 14 was the day Ryan was born. I think that’s the coolest thing!! Also, I came up with this “acronym”: Two (2) as one (1) for(4)ever.
And see the top of my blog: He is R squared I am M squared and 2.14 <3>
[Yes I do need to get a life.]


No pictures from V-Day 2006 :'(

But here’s Valentine’s Day a year later (2007):


And the year after that (2008):


This year we are 400+ miles apart unfortunately. :( I miss him dearly.

I could go on and on about Ryan and me, but I’ll leave it at this for now. I absolutely adore him and I am still amazed how everything has worked out… God’s “fingerprints” are all over it!

Hope you have a great February 14th! I’ll be thinking about my Valentine allll day.

Side note:

After reading this, it may sound like our love story is “flawless.” Well let me tell you that even though it was like a fairytale come true, life isn’t perfect. We’ve had our fair share of rough times, and yes we did break up in Sept 08. However, it was for the best and God answered my prayers– we started talking again in November. I don’t want to ruin the mood of this blog since it IS 2.14, so enough of that. Just thought I’d clarify that even though our love story is amazing, it’s also real life.