Saturday Catch-Up

How does time slip away so quickly? I haven’t blogged since Monday and I didn’t mean for that to happen. I can’t blame it on tests again… but I can blame it on the fact that I feel like the energy is sucked out of me every day.

I hope I don’t bore you, but I don’t know where else to start except with a catch-up…

The beginning of this week brought some snow… not 9 inches like they first predicted, but enough that my Mom had to drive me to class for a few days. My brother (who is a senior in HS) had half a week of snow days! Not fair!

I had three appointments this week… doctor, dentist, and therapist!

I went to the doctor because my therapist recommended anxiety medicine. It’s actually an anti-depressant, but also helps anxiety — and is very much needed in my life right now. It takes about two weeks to start working so I’m patiently waiting…

Oh, but also my Mom started on the same medicine yesterday. Her blood pressure is dangerously high and it’s probably due to stress/anxiety. (Anxiety is hereditary, did you notice?) We are currently trying to get new health insurance right now and I think we are about to get rejected.

My dentist appointment was fine since they didn’t take x-rays (and hence the words ‘wisdom teeth’ were not mentioned).

My therapy appointment was more talk about anxiety. (I’m tired of saying that word.)

I babysat Wednesday night and Friday night. I am also babysitting tomorrow (Valentine’s Day! That’s what happens when your bf is long-distance.)

Even though I didn’t end up with any cancelled classes due to snow, my Psych class was cancelled on Wednesday. I also have two cancelled classes in the upcoming week. Yesss.

I found out my other test scores from last week. Good and bad news.
In Ecology I got over 100. (Even though I missed 9, I got 11 points extra credit. He made commonly missed ones extra credit, which happens to be ones that I knew.)
In Genetics I got an 83… I know that doesn’t sound too bad, but it’s one of my worst test scores ever. It’s frustrating because I do understand the material, but I was rushed to get the extremely long test finished in 50 minutes.

On Thursday night, I went to a worship service on campus held by the Christian Campus Fellowship (CCF). I told my therapist I would go in November.. and I know it’s February, but hey– better late than never! A friend from high school went with me and it was really good! They are doing a series on The Sermon on the Mount and that night it was about Matthew 5:27-30 (Adultery/Lust/Sex). We plan to go back on Thursday nights.

If you recall, I am reading the Bible in one year. I got behind in the past week (because again, I am so tired all the time), but I intend on getting caught up.

Whoa (sad):
I actually fixed my hair and put on make-up yesterday… I had to send my bf a picture!

Does anyone have any ideas for this exhaustion and also disruptive sleep? I wonder if it is related to the a word or maybe depression and perhaps my medicine will help…


Picture from the beginning of my 20’s. My last birthday with my Dad here. :(

Happy Half-Birthday to Me and Happy Groundhog Day to You! I’m not sure why I never let my half-birthday go unrecognized, but I feel it’s important too. When I have kids, I think I’ll do something special for their half-birthdays each year.

Do you let your half-birthday pass by without thinking about it? When is yours?

Maybe it’s an August 2nd thing because twins from my HS class who share the same birthday “celebrate” theirs too. They already texted me today wishing me a Happy Half-Birthday! (Aw and so did my bff Nour. She knows me well.)

The twins and me on Senior Night, Fall 2006

I don’t actually eat cake or anything for mine… it’s only half as special anyway, right? I just take a second and realize how quickly 6 months goes by!

I’d rather look at it as half-past my 21st birthday instead of half-way to my 22nd. No need to rush any further into my 20’s… I’ll be 30 soon enough! And I also never liked to rush my birthday because it’s near the end of summer. ‘Cause you know what comes after that…

Speaking of seasons and back to Groundhog Day, I refuse to believe Punxsutawney Phil. Spring IS coming sooner than later.

Ryan met that silly groundhog before….

HS is not for me

Reflection of my high school aiding (observation) experience thus far (about 12 hours out of 60 hours completed)….

I would not want to commute 45 minutes to a job. Ideally, maybe 10 minutes at the most. I was informed that one teacher at this HS drives 2.5 hours everyday to work! Unbelievable!

Despite the fact that I was introduced to the high schoolers as “a college student observing the class,” they still ask my age and question me because I do not look old enough.

No, I’m not a new student.
No, I’m not your sub.
Yes, I am really in college just like she told you. She’s not lying.
Which means yes, I am older than you.
21 years old to be exact.
No, I’m not your teacher’s daughter, niece, or any other relation.

I want to tell them… just because I look young does not mean you can treat me like that. If I was your new teacher for the year, would you first sit there and question my age, ability, and certification/degree because I look young and am small? I find this disrespectful and annoying.

High school students are so immature. They think they are funny when they’re really not, which makes me embarrassed for them. It seems like the 3rd graders are more mature, but as my CT (cooperating teacher) said, “They are probably both equally immature, but you expect the high schoolers to be more mature and since they’re not, it changes your perception.” Very true.

I would not enjoy teaching high school. I don’t like that age group, maybe because right now I am not too far away from their age and I feel like I was just sitting in those desks all day long. Or maybe because I feel that you have to possess a certain personality and qualities to deal with high schoolers, and I just don’t feel like I have it in me. Somebody has to do it, but I don’t think I’m on that list. I highly respect those who can deal with them. Throw me in with the little kids instead!

Teaching the same lesson multiple times a day would be monotonous to me. The positive side seems to be that equals less planning, but I don’t want to make assumptions.

Let’s face it… most (not all) high school kids would rather socialize and goof off at school than learn and do work. Their attitude is… the less work, the better! And then some go to college and little did they know, it all changes. It’s very strange to me. High school, to me, is just a strange part of life. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it.

Did I have that much energy in HS? I just realized that 3 years ago, I used to wake up really early, go to HS all day, and come home and do other things. Plus, do Color Guard things. And now, 3 years later, I don’t have enough energy to just sit and watch the high schoolers do this! I can’t be aging that quickly. What’s the deal?

This HS is triple the size of the one I attended. I thought it was odd that between class periods they go crazy over the intercom with announcements… calling kids to the main office, guidance counselor, announcing cancellations, whereas I went to a small HS where they had office aids (students) bring notes to classrooms. It seems like a way different environment in a huge school.

I forgot how short of a time 20 minutes is to eat lunch, especially as much as I bring for lunch! We had 50 minute lunches my last two years of HS.

I am so glad that my HS years are behind me. If you ever miss them, I would recommend observing a HS classroom and you’ll probably change your mind. But then again, maybe I’m weird.

I am supposed to be aiding in this class, but there’s seriously not much I can do. There’s so much more opportunity for participation in an elementary classroom.

That’s enough rambling for now. Time for bed so I can leave at 7:35 AM and make it to this HS on time: 8:30 AM.

Remembering Septembers past

As the season of fall brings in cooler weather, it also drags in old memories along with it. For me, the way fall interacts with my senses triggers memories of autumns past. Usually it’s the most recent year, but sometimes it will go even further back. Unfortunately, this time around it’s memories I don’t want to relive. But as soon as that smell or that feel hits me, it’s automatic déjà vu.

Four years ago, I was at a major turning point in my life. I was just beginning to realize and understand this fact, though. It was the start of my junior year of HS, and my ex-boyfriend and I were newly broken up. My heart was still aching, but I was determined to move on. After talking with a new friend, I started seeking God. It was the beginning of a new life, but it took me a little bit to catch on. Old friends began to drift away, while new ones took their place. My new BFF was Courtney Campbell, a freshman in Color Guard. Being boyfriend-less was not the norm for me, but it was good to experience time with friends for a while. It was new and different, and I started to actually like it. Yet it still felt like something was missing.

Three years ago, I was beginning my senior and of course, final year of High School. I was ready to get out of there, to move on to something bigger and better. Ah, how incredibly naive I was. How simple life was back then. Talk of applying to colleges started in right away and I knew that I didn’t want to be separated from Ryan. He had already graduated from HS the year previous, but was financially forced to attend a local community college for a year. His heart had long been set on Anderson University and he would make a way to attend the next year. I didn’t really have a college preference or idea, so it worked out that I would look at AU and schools close to my beloved BF. I applied at AU, Ball State, IWU, and SLU (because the later two were free to apply). Color Guard drama was peaking, HS classes were a joke, and I started to wish I would’ve graduated a semester early.

Two years ago I was a nervous, but somewhat excited new college student. I didn’t really have any clue what to expect, but I bought everything I thought I needed and packed my car full. The time sure came quickly to say a tearful goodbye to my parents, leaving them for the longest time I had ever been away. My Dad had a painful sore on his tongue for about a month or two previous, but we didn’t think much of it. Certainly not the “c” word.
Although I had to leave my family behind, I had my amazing boyfriend by my side. Besides him and a couple other acquaintances at AU from my hometown, I was a stranger in this new community. I remember being so tired on move-in day because we (Ryan, his mom, and I) had to wake up super early to get there on time. It was a 384 mile drive, 2 states away, way out of my comfort zone. In hindsight, I’m proud of myself because that’s huge for me.
I met my roommate for the first time and settled in to this new way of life. Freshman orientation started at full-speed, and it was a whirlwind of a few days. Before I knew it, classes started. I immediately learned that high school academics had not prepared me for college classes. After I calmed down enough to come up with a solution, I realized I had to teach myself how to study. September 14th marked a meaningful day; I met Nour, who would quickly become my BFF. I was ever so thankful to find a new friend with whom I felt like I could be myself. With having biology and chemistry concurrently, the stress kicked in fast. I clearly remember thinking… I’m going to fail my first biology test. What am I getting myself into?! This will be so embarrassing.

One year ago I was dragging my feet about packing and moving back to AU for my second year. We thought my Dad was cancer free because his CT scan in June came back clear. But we were ever so wrong. I knew deep down in my being that something just wasn’t right. He had facial paralysis and some facial pain, but a radiologist assumed he had Bell’s Palsy.

My life was about to turn upside down and I wasn’t ready.
I reluctantly said goodbye to my family and moved into AU. I immediately knew something was going on with my boyfriend. You just can’t help but notice those subtle signs after a few years together. I tried to ignore it at first, but that didn’t last long. I was only at AU for 4 days, but looking back it seems like much longer. I spent a lot of the time crying, fighting, and confused. What was I doing there? I thought. I felt so out of place.
I made the decision to withdraw from AU after two days of classes. I left AU with a heavy heart, but knowing I was doing the right thing. It was hard, and I didn’t understand the why’s of anything.
That same week came the heart wrenching break-up. It was ever so frustrating and painful, especially when I cut contact with Ryan soon afterwards. When I thought things couldn’t get worse, on September 11th my Dad had his check-up PET scan. We found out it wasn’t Bell’s Palsy, but a tumor in his parotid gland. I knew why God had sent me home, but it wasn’t for any good reasons. My heart hurt so bad that all I could do was turn to God for help. He began to guide me through the tough times, while drawing me closer to Him. Yet I still longed to be with Ryan and sometimes I just had to bare the pain.
Since I wasn’t going to classes, I began to substitute teach at St. James schools. I became friends with an old HS classmate, Tiffany, and I’ll never forget what she said… I feel like we’re meant to be friends for a reason. I also became friends with another HS classmate and old friend, Caylee, who had a baby girl.

Today, I find myself in a position where just a few years ago I would’ve said… Not me, not my family. That can’t happen to us.

I live in the home that my Dad built, without him, because he now lives in his real Home in Heaven. My heart is bruised and I’m just beginning the healing process from the past two years. I go to school at S&T, a local university, as a biology and education major. Just a few years ago, I would’ve laughed in someone’s face if they would’ve said, You’ll be a student there someday.
I remember clearly a year ago, I didn’t think I would ever call Ryan my boyfriend again. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have wanted to imagine living 384 miles away from him. I would’ve been thinking engagement would be up next, not a break-up.
Besides Ryan, I have a few friends; most are long-distance though. I’m still friends with Tiffany, and now we unfortunately relate in a heart-aching way. We have both lost our fathers from cancer. Most of the time I struggle with loneliness. I think it’s a result of many things, and will heal over time. I am certainly not in the ideal situation, but I remind myself it won’t be this way forever. I’m so ready to be content again, I haven’t felt that way in 3 years.

I’ve learned to accept the fact that I have no idea what’s in store for me. It’s scary and exciting at the same time, but I’m comforted to know that God knows every detail of what’s to come.
What will I be writing a year from now? Where will I be living? What school will I be attending? How will I be feeling? Will I have any new friends?

Wherever I find myself, I hope I find myself happy.