Feeling down

When the going gets tough…


I should expect it to happen around this time. A little over one month when all of a sudden time doesn’t seem to be going fast anymore. The countdown until next time becomes longer instead of shorter, and it eventually turns into a hopeless cause. Frustration sets in. Energy is spent pushing negative thoughts away, thoughts about the situation and myself. My attitude can change from moment to moment.

Sigh.

A year ago I was hoping and praying I could go back to AU for school, maybe in Spring 2009 or Fall 2009. But I told people it couldn’t happen unless two miracles happened. One, Ryan and I had to get back together. Two, my Dad had to be healed.

Now, a year later, Ryan and I are back together and although my Dad is not healed on Earth, he is healed. But I’m still here, not there. What’s stopping me from going back?

I don’t feel like I can go back there anymore. To visit, yes, but to stay, probably not. There’s many reasons why, but one is just the fact that it’s been too long. I don’t feel like I could go back and fit in to that community I was once a part of too long ago. I wish I could, but something about it doesn’t seem right. I’m not saying that it won’t change again, but right now that’s how I feel.

Well, if that is so, why do I complain about where I am right now? I wish I could find contentment somewhere, but I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Although I recognize it, it’s not an easy fact to deal with. It’s not a new idea that I am struggling with life and its circumstances. As hard as I try to not do it, I still wish this time of my life away. And then when I think when can I stop? the answer varies. It depends if I’m in a good mood and thinking positively about a year or two from now.

There’s more to be said, but the more I think about it, the worse it gets.

Leave a Reply