Therapy: Part III

Today was my third, one-hour long therapy session. Unfortunately, I won’t be going back until over a month from now because she will be on vacation and then there’s the Holidays. I’m kinda bummed about that, but I’ll keep working on what we’ve talked about and most of this healing just takes time.


Today I showed her pictures of my family and Ryan as she requested. I also read to her part of the letter I wrote to Ryan when we broke-up, which was about my self conscious problem that we talked about last time. Then I read her something I wrote when I felt depressed one night a few weeks ago. I told her that little frustrations or events can trigger depression and it just goes downhill from there because I start thinking about life and everything. I usually still feel a little down the next day and don’t get rid of the feeling until that night or even the day after that. She said I probably have mild depression, which is normal to have in my situation. Not only has my Dad passed away, but I’ve “lost” my Mom and I’m also in a transition phase of my life. I’m still living at home, but will soon need to move and start my own life, but this will hold me back. On top of that, I’m dealing with loneliness, anxiety, and my boyfriend is 380 miles away. Wow, that’s depressing just to say. Honestly, if this is just mild depression, I’d hate to feel anything worse. I know there is worse because I don’t feel like that all the time and I still have motivation to do daily tasks, like eat or shower.

She gave me a few suggestions for coping with depression. First off, I shouldn’t isolate myself like I currently do when I feel depressed. I must force myself to talk to people or get out or do something. Like a few weeks ago when I felt depressed, I made myself leave the house and go talk to my friend Tiffany (thanks to a suggestion from a blog friend.) Also, if I push myself to do that more often then I will feel depressed less often. In turn, I will also help my social anxiety. She also suggested that I eat protein for breakfast and have more for other meals. I currently probably don’t eat enough protein and it will help the chemical imbalance in my brain. Also, she told me to go to the health store and buy amino acid L-phenylalanine to take two times a day. It should also help increase the serotonin in my brain, but it will take several weeks to feel its effects. I’m going to start that tonight.

I also brought in my letter that I hand-wrote to my Dad (which I wrote last night) and she wanted me to read it out-loud. Immediately I started crying and she said I need to cry, especially in front of people. I hate crying (especially in front of people.) The letter was 3 pages long so it took a little bit to read. There was so much more that I could’ve said in the letter, but it did feel good to write what I did (although sad too.) I wrote about how life has changed, my Mom, school, depression, etc. It turned out a lot better than I thought it would because I’m so used to typing out my thoughts and being able to edit in the process.

Since I talked about next semester in my letter, we touched on that for a minute. She said it is a tough decision whether to stay here or go to AU. One thing she said to be careful of is to not become emotionally dependent on Ryan if I live close to him. I would be very vulnerable to that right now in any relationship and should be cautious of developing unhealthy relationships. But she sees that it is hard to live here and constantly be reminded of what has happened.

At my last therapy session, she told me to memorize a few verses to say when I feel anxious. So far, I’m using…

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

If you have any other verses or wisdom about all of this, I’m open to it!

Wannabe update post

Update on my update post: I won a set of 10 homemade Christmas cards here. (I had a 1 out of 6 chance.)

Giveaway updates:

I didn’t win the surprise giveaway or the $100 Target gift card, but…

If you haven’t entered this giveaway yet, you probably should. Unless of course, you don’t like having a good chance to win a free blog makeover. I entered and just so happened to win a premium blog makeover! I already won a blog makeover (coming soon from The Design Girl), so I am giving the blog makeover to my blog friend! Seems appropriate, right? So go follow The Fabulous Adventures of Mrs. Haid and stay tuned for a new design.


If I happen to win another blog makeover (which would officially make me crazy lucky) like this other giveaway — I’ll keep sharing the love. (Hint: go enter both!!) Maybe Traveling Light would like one too? Okay, we’ll see how my luck plays out. So far so good.

In other news…
  • My boyfriend will be here soon!!! (soon as in two days)
  • Since there are only two more weeks of classes left, I have to seriously start thinking about my plans for next semester. I’m going to see how my financial aid will look at AU and go from there.
Well, that’s about it for the updates. I live an uneventful life… and blogging makes me even more aware of that.

Sigh

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. (But if you don’t want to go for that, you should go to her blog to witness a miracle of God. Amazing.)


———

Is it possible that I could’ve won yet another giveaway? Certainly not me again! Must be a different Mindy. ;-)

I did not change my mind and decide to speed most of my trip back and forth to Anderson this weekend! I strictly abide by the 65 mph Illinois speed limit law just like everyone else.

On my way to AU, I did not wait so long to stop for a pee break that I had to take my belt off at a stoplight to relieve some pressure and had to painfully waddle to the bathroom to make it… not me!

What? Who didn’t exactly follow the “open house” rules at AU* this weekend? It wasn’t me!

*Anderson University has certain open house hours and rules for campus housing in regards to the opposite sex. In the apartments, like where Ryan lives, one is only allowed in apartments’ of the opposite sex from 10 am-2 am on weekends and 10 am-midnight on weeknights. Also, you aren’t supposed to go in the bedrooms– the rules are to stay in the kitchen/living room area only. In the dorms, it’s even stricter. Way less hours, must have the door open 45 degrees… and when time is up, you hear the RA’s run around the halls reminding you like little kids.

I did not write lackluster posts this weekend just to barely hold true to my commitment to NaBloPoMo. Not me! Instead, I set aside time to think, reflect, and write meaningful words instead of hanging out with my boyfriend. (ha)

It wasn’t me who snobbishly refused to eat food at AU facilities and instead used the money my Mom gave me to buy it elsewhere!

I did not stay up on my computer too long and thus turned off my alarm on Sunday morning and almost miss church, but made it by not washing my hair… it did not look like a greasy mess at the end of the day!

I did not stare at Ryan’s cute face all weekend long like a crazy girlfriend who doesn’t see her boyfriend enough. Okay, yes I did and call me weird all you want. I don’t mind.

Ryan did not have to remind me about his yet-to-be birthday present from several months ago. Not me!

I did not get directionally confused in Ryan’s apartment complex again. Nope, I figured it out last time.

I did not complain about going to class tonight, even though I did get to stay an extra day because of my easy class schedule, only go to class 4 x a week… and ended up getting out early tonight. Nope, not me!

Oh and can I do a Not My Boyfriend! section for a second?

My boyfriend did not buy a new iMac + Magic Mouse and hide that fact from his girlfriend (ahem, me) for several days… Guilty conscience?

It did not take Ryan 5 minutes to realize he had warmed up the wrong leftover pizza from his fridge, even though wrong leftovers looked totally disgusting and had one more piece than we remembered… We even said something about the odd looks of it. (Okay, and maybe I was involved in this mistake too.) It finally clicked that the pizza we warmed up was actually Ryan’s roommates’ from the gross food service on campus, hence why I refused to eat there. (It was funny, but you had to be there.) I mean, if we did that. But not us!

———

I hope your Monday was as good as Mondays can be. Do you have any not me moments to share with me? I’ll try to do this NaBloPoMo thing better the rest of the month. No promises, though.

AU vs. MUST

Yesterday I had an advising meeting for Spring 2010 with my advisor at MUST. I’m glad he is understanding and laid back.


I also re-applied at AU (for what, the 3rd time?) online. Good thing it’s free.

Today I registered for 12 hours at MUST for Spring 2010. Genetics, Ecology, Environmental Physics, and Modern Western Civ. No labs.

I also sent off a transcript request form along with tenfreakingdollars to MUST, to be sent to AU.

(Un)welcome to the story of my college life.

What to do, what to do?

  • Have a “normal” college experience or umm, a not-so-normal one?

  • Graduate sooner or later? By sooner I mean, later, and by later I mean, later later. Confused?

I just did the math for “fun.” If I were to graduate from AU and start back in January 2010, I would have 44 hours left (which doesn’t count labs, but I would really have about 10+ hours of labs left) and I would only graduate with a biology degree. If I were to graduate from S&T and continue on from now, I would have 48 hours left (no hidden lab hours or any labs for that matter!) + one semester (13 hours) of student teaching and I would graduate with a biology degree and a certification to teach.

But I’ll probably graduate from neither. :)

FYI- In December, I’ll have 91 hours total.

  • Take or leave a refund that, with addition to my refund from last semester, would pay off my student loans?

  • Graduate with only a biology degree (and do what?) or a biology degree and a certification to teach?

  • Change my major and start over? Hey, why the heck not?

  • Live at home or with my bff?

  • Live two states away from my bf or two floors? Get married sooner or later? (By that I mean, it’d probably be wise to spend real time together before we consider the next step.)

  • Be lonely or be surrounded by people?

  • Focus less on getting a degree or on my well being?

  • Make transferring a hobby?

  • Walk to class in 5 degree Indiana weather or drive 10 miles to and from class and walk a short distance in more “southern” type weather? Or better yet, move to a tropical location?

  • Run away and start a new life somewhere else?

  • Kidnap Ryan and move to FL?

Okay, okay, I’m getting a little ridiculous, but sometimes I have to humor myself to keep my head from exploding.


It’s a win-lose-win-lose-win-lose situation!

Uncertainty

I can hardly believe it. That time of the semester is quickly approaching… yet again.


In fact, I’ve already seen the class schedule for Spring 2010 and today I just got an email about making an advising appointment for next week.

Registration for next semester. Hold on a minute– spring semester? What happened to this one? And not to mention we’re talking about 2010. Way over my head.

Decisions, planning, registering. A reminder (as if I needed a reminder) that I don’t really have a plan. Feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and frustration. Uncomfortable feelings that I don’t like.

It should be easy. Look at the degree requirements, figure out which ones are next in line, make them fit together nicely, and you’re done! For most students, that is.

For me, scheduling always brings up the word “if.” And a whole lot of questions.

Should I stay or should I go? Where does God want me? Do I even want to take classes? What if this is a waste of time? Why does it have to be like this?

I could make it easy and just pretend like everything is peachy, but I’m not really into acting.

I have mentioned before that the longer I am away from AU, the harder it is to go back. How I wish it was all easy and I could pack my bags and leave with confidence.

But…

It is ever so complicated. Story of my life. Where do I start? Honestly and embarrassingly, I’ve been away from people so long that I’ve developed some type of social anxiety. Which may or may not be related to the fact that I feel that I would be out of place at AU. I see it very difficult trying to fit back in and find my place, make friends, and learn how to be sociable again. It may sound ridiculous, but that’s just how it is and I must face the truth.

It’s hard to leave home. Still. Even though my Dad isn’t here suffering anymore, now he is gone and that presents a new issue. Partly that I would feel bad leaving my Mom here alone and also issues within myself. I kind of fear that I might get more homesick, or depressed, or who knows what being far away from home, still coping with my feelings about my Dad’s passing. A fear of then being stuck there.

Yet another part of it is.. I wouldn’t have any idea what classes to take if I transferred again! Transferring back and forth eventually makes some classes worthless in terms of them fulfilling degree requirements. AU doesn’t even have the secondary education degree similar to S&T’s that I’m in right now. It also has different requirements for biology, and not to mention, liberal arts requirements.

But then again, from where will I graduate? I hope I don’t live at home and go to S&T until 2012, my estimated graduation date. And what about AU, would I really graduate from there? Ryan will (mostly likely) graduate next December, and then what? We can’t be apart forever, but I don’t know what will happen then. So then if I don’t know where I would graduate, why not just take some classes wherever the heck I want and someday, somewhere I will eventually fulfill a degree requirement!? Interesting thought.

I can’t say for sure what kind of financial aid I would get at AU, but it’s hard to pass up free education plus another nice refund at S&T next semester. I’m almost positive I would not get as much aid at AU.

But oh! how I long to be close to my boyfriend, the few friends I have, and live a somewhat “normal” college life. To have this empty part of my heart filled would be nothing less than amazing.

It’s difficult to know what to do. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and imagine I’m someone else. But that wouldn’t get me anywhere either.

I wish it was simple.